Now the pain I was talking about which hit me some 3 years back, was not out of my life in a refugee camp or because of my dad's death in Naxalite movemnet. As it happens, I have never been a part of a great misery. The implicit pesimism has by now made it clear that I am a lover. A loser-lover to be precise. A friend of mine says,"Loving someone is about recognising your own virtues". I think it's true. At least for men. When a man feels man enough for a woman only then he is in a position to love her. Winning the lady adds to the 'enough'part and losing her brings in the scarcity. Unfortunately I fell in love even though I recognised my inadequacy to win, to be enough. The hope was there. Hope of growing and rising up to her beauty. But I had to find out the eligibility criteria, the criteria of being judged as enough. The only way to know whats enough was to become a confession box, to play the confidant. To hear like a student what the aching heart of lady-love has to pour out. I said like a sudent, because that was how I learnt my lessons about what is enough and what is not. I could never be a symapthiser, I never felt what a confidant is supposed to feel or at least what he is assumed to be feeling. I just learned what was being taught to me unknowingly. And the first thing which I learnt was, that being a confidant will never be ENOUGH.Her sadness gave me the role of confidant and she had no other roles to offer. Though being a confidant was not enough but that was the only thing I was good enough for. So I had to wait and hope. Hope for her sadness to come back to her. I say this without any remorse and gulit. Her sadness was my appointment letter to be the gatekeeper of her heart. I waited for her sadness,hoped that soon her heart would cry out and still claimed to myself that I was a lover. Thats a paradox but thats the truth. Love is blind, I had heared. But its merciless, this is something I learnt. Infact I don't believe its blind, it has more senses than the human body, more capacity to see, explore, grow and rise.
PS: Part 4 on it's way..
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8 comments:
'mediocre living' is complex bro. lines like 'Loving someone is about recognising your own virtues' are true,probably, for ideal living. as soon as mediocre people come to know this, they like to BELEIVE that they are in love, because it serves to them as a proof that they are virtuous enough for that.
so, if you think you were in love depite recognising your inadequacies, make a countercheck bro, for a lover(ideally speaking) would never be satisfied with just being a confidant.
@Vaibhav
I did what u said.. i did a countercheck,and so i read my article again. This is what i found..
"The hope was there. Hope of growing and rising up to her beauty. But I had to find out the eligibility criteria, the criteria of being judged as enough. The only way to know whats enough was to become a confession box, to play the confidant. To hear like a student what the aching heart of lady-love has to pour out."
now my query is what is "ideal love" and what is "mediocre living"
For me a lover is lover enough only when he attempts to win her heart rather than lament over his inadequacies passively. Do you call the Give-up of a insufficient man "Ideal love"??
you say you had the hope of growing and rising up to her beauty.
what kind of growing? the fact that the NEED to grow existed proves mediocrity.
and when this need is non-existant, the love that we feel is, i believe, ideal. ideally, love happens between equals, it does not wait for the man to 'grow up' first and then originate(probably, it happens the other way around).
well, having said that, thats my idea of ideal love. have your own definition.
and i think an insufficient man CANNOT love(the girl who makes her feel so).
the 'give-up' in question is not after sustained efforts of getting her someday but rather it is in the very effort of 'falling' in love with her.
@ vaibhav suman
The day you feel that you dont NEED to rise for the one you love, you have lost your love for her. Infact it is betrayal, on your part, to take that one person for granted, to not to feel the need to push yourself to the limit for her happiness. infact i would like to go withu your words "it does not wait for the man to 'grow up' first and then originate(probably, it happens the other way around).
" That is what happened with me, Love caused the growth [if there was any at all : )].
As for this part of yours "and i think an insufficient man CANNOT love(the girl who makes her feel so).
the 'give-up' in question is not after sustained efforts of getting her someday but rather it is in the very effort of 'falling' in love with her. "
Learn to differentiate between Loving and being loved. I am talking about loving in all my capacity and gathering more capacity to love. Not being loved does not stop me from loving, i rather inspires to rise. That for me is ideal love if at all anything is ideal in this world. "Falling in love" is something i could never understand
There comes a point when we start to wonder whether there as an end to love? And when unrequited love seems an infinite fall, we experience Vertigo. But Vertigo is not the fear of falling, rather it is the desire to fall.
And we begin to hide behind love, to make excuses that it might have been love.
Or it may become worse when we question the very basis for our feelings and say that it might not have been love at all. That scares me, if all that longing and pain was not love, then what is? And if it is something else, i might be scared of it.
@vaibhav(pablo)
As for me, unrequited love did not create doubts in my mind. It was not like a fall for me but like a rock climbing on a very steep hill. I got tired at times, sat down for a while , may be even gave up momentarily but then the peak i saw was too beutiful to be left unconquered. I do believe that i am still left with the strength to sustain my love for beauty.
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