He walked with his feet moving in different directions. Encountered 15 dogs who were barking as they usually do at 1 o’clock in the night. He asked them to shut up, to stop following him,. They agreed. They generally don’t but today they did. Perhaps because he was too sad today. So many stars were there on the sky. He knew it. But still he didn’t turn his head up to look at them. No he is not too tired for doing that, he was too full of himself to bother about so many stars. He would have looked up had there been less stars but he knew that the stars were many. So he could not bother. Kept walking. Walked past the tea shop, it’s usually closed after 8 in the evening. He knew that but still did the effort of turning his head to look if it was open. He found it closed. Felt happy, satisfied. Not much has changed. The ways of the world are more or less the same, except for the dogs. Dogs keep changing their ways a lot of times. He fails to understand why on some nights they ill treat him and on other nights they don’t care.
He had the feeling of committing suicide, but then he knew he will not commit it. He has never committed suicide before. He is not the kind who commits suicide; he is the kind who just thinks of it. It often comes to the mind but the idea faints away the moment he starts thinking about the preparation required. Someday someone might put a gun on his face, and say, I will shoot you and he wont resist. He has thought that. One more reason why he is not committing suicide is that he wants to know how some important people in his life will react to it. In case he commits suicide successfully then he wont be able to know it. In case he fails then it will be painful or rather shameful to meet all those people whom he wanted to observe after he had died. Besides, the reaction of people will not be the same as it would be on a successful attempt of suicide. So this trap prevents him from even attempting it. The closest to suicide he can get is by not keeping in touch with most people who are important to him, by avoiding their company and by not giving any information about how he is doing. That is how he kills himself for them. And then after a long time he tells everything about himself to them to amuse himself. To see their stunned faces when they listen to his stories and experiences during his exile. That’s great entertainment to him, surprise that he gives to others. Yes even in a suicide-like life, he has some very involving experiences, experiences which stun his close ones. It makes them wonder, how less they know him, and that is what he enjoys. He enjoys that people don’t know him well.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Son-of-a-Bitch charecters
One of my biggest kicks is to be a nice a guy who appears like a son of a bitch.I have always enjoyed watching such characters. The one played by amitabh sir in Bemisal, the one by shiny in Hazaron khwaishein aisi. Such characters have a enigma, a charm. The charm of nasty appearances camouflaging the virtues of a gentleman, of a proud lover. They make you curious; you want to know them better. But the problem is when I try and appear the son of a bitch; I end up making them believe that I am actually one. Nobody ever un-layers me to find the truth. I don’t know if it is my faulty skills of pretension or the lack of real virtues. I end up being a son of a bitch who pretends to have some virtues. Nevertheless, it’s a good role to play. If you choose to be this faking SOB, then your conscience gives you the license for doing nasty things. Deep beneath you know that this is not real. Besides very soon you will pull up a stunt to exhibit your jewel like heart, to create the paradox, the confusion in the mind of people you intend to charm. So here, nastiness is for the sake of goodness and goodness for the sake of nastiness. This is a perfect world. Your sweet little crimes, the hurts and torments you deliver are fake, though they hurt all the same but still you tell yourself "that’s not me". Your actions of nobility are compensatory for your own conscience besides creating the enigma for those who are charmed. And if they do get charmed, then you not only appear as a mystic person but also as some one with a heart that has been hurt ruthlessly by some unknown, un-talkable event which remains hidden in the secret corridors of your soul.
Time to write
when voices of people inside your head become louder than your own voice, its time to write.
when too many thoughts stop the action then its time to write.
when too many actions have confused your thoughts, its time to write.
when charecters you play are not the ones you have met, its time to write.
when your lies are better than the truths you seek, its time to write.
when music you listen stops emoting your feelings, its time to write.
when images you paint do not change the meaning of your existence , its time to write. when your wants are the bare minimum necessities, its time to write.
when you ask questions, answers to which you already know, its time to write.
when your answers have got nothing to do with the questions, its time to write.
when your gestures are to please strangers, its time to write.
when your loved ones become more important than yourself, its time to write.
when too many thoughts stop the action then its time to write.
when too many actions have confused your thoughts, its time to write.
when charecters you play are not the ones you have met, its time to write.
when your lies are better than the truths you seek, its time to write.
when music you listen stops emoting your feelings, its time to write.
when images you paint do not change the meaning of your existence , its time to write. when your wants are the bare minimum necessities, its time to write.
when you ask questions, answers to which you already know, its time to write.
when your answers have got nothing to do with the questions, its time to write.
when your gestures are to please strangers, its time to write.
when your loved ones become more important than yourself, its time to write.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
THAT guy
Being THAT guy. When you are known , understood..at least partly, needed and finally ignored. You become just a THAT guy. Just a THAT guy, which is not even justified. You are talked about, discussed, mocked, used, given a bit of those things and then you are nailed into the coffin of THAT guy. Jutice delayed, and denied as well, both at the same time. It’s delayed till the time when it can be denied. And justice is not even in question if you think in retrospect. Who would justify you being that guy? You choose it to become a self sacrificing immortal. That’s the reason and that’s the trap too. No one is being a martyr here. It’s a long war that is to be fought silently to win. THAT guy in those days was there for them to need and demand all of that. One day all that comes to a point when that guy is giving all those guys, those snake charmers a run for all THAT. When I say snake charmers I am not calling her names. I love snakes and I even adore them. Haha ..poor joke but the fact remains that I wasn’t calling her names. They are snake charmers all the same but she is not the one who would dance on their tunes. About her being a snake, well I don’t think possessing venom alone can qualify a woman to be classified as a snake.
So finally it ends up being about the snake and THAT guy who we assume is not a snake charmer. Oh, you say he is the knight with the shining armor. May be that’s true, but it’s just that his armor doesn’t shine too much. Sorry I copied this line from LOOK BACK IN ANGER. I loved jimmy porter; he was the guy whose armor didn’t shine too much in that play. And he continued to be the THAT GUY till the end. Its sad but true, they all want to play jimmy porters , fanidhars and THAT GUYS role on stage. None of them have the guts to do it in real life. Yeah you can mock at me for calling it guts to play it in real life; you think its fool hardiness. No wonder you are the snake charmer with the piper who in spite of being so sure of his skill to charm the snake gets bitten by the darling. For all that humor and dance and entertainment and milk you shower on the snake, you end up realizing that there is no point repenting over the spilt milk. But still you repent and that is what your piper is. Your regrets and sorries over the bite by the snake becomes the piper which you blow up again and again to capture yet another one. And the milk I was talking about, it’s the white fluid you spend if you didn’t get it right. Most of it which sticks only around your own belly, and the rest..well I wont talk of this, it hurts me more than it will hurt you.
So finally it ends up being about the snake and THAT guy who we assume is not a snake charmer. Oh, you say he is the knight with the shining armor. May be that’s true, but it’s just that his armor doesn’t shine too much. Sorry I copied this line from LOOK BACK IN ANGER. I loved jimmy porter; he was the guy whose armor didn’t shine too much in that play. And he continued to be the THAT GUY till the end. Its sad but true, they all want to play jimmy porters , fanidhars and THAT GUYS role on stage. None of them have the guts to do it in real life. Yeah you can mock at me for calling it guts to play it in real life; you think its fool hardiness. No wonder you are the snake charmer with the piper who in spite of being so sure of his skill to charm the snake gets bitten by the darling. For all that humor and dance and entertainment and milk you shower on the snake, you end up realizing that there is no point repenting over the spilt milk. But still you repent and that is what your piper is. Your regrets and sorries over the bite by the snake becomes the piper which you blow up again and again to capture yet another one. And the milk I was talking about, it’s the white fluid you spend if you didn’t get it right. Most of it which sticks only around your own belly, and the rest..well I wont talk of this, it hurts me more than it will hurt you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)