SuicideR

He walked with his feet moving in different directions. Encountered 15 dogs who were barking as they usually do at 1 o’clock in the night. He asked them to shut up, to stop following him,. They agreed. They generally don’t but today they did. Perhaps because he was too sad today. So many stars were there on the sky. He knew it. But still he didn’t turn his head up to look at them. No he is not too tired for doing that, he was too full of himself to bother about so many stars. He would have looked up had there been less stars but he knew that the stars were many. So he could not bother. Kept walking. Walked past the tea shop, it’s usually closed after 8 in the evening. He knew that but still did the effort of turning his head to look if it was open. He found it closed. Felt happy, satisfied. Not much has changed. The ways of the world are more or less the same, except for the dogs. Dogs keep changing their ways a lot of times. He fails to understand why on some nights they ill treat him and on other nights they don’t care.

He had the feeling of committing suicide, but then he knew he will not commit it. He has never committed suicide before. He is not the kind who commits suicide; he is the kind who just thinks of it. It often comes to the mind but the idea faints away the moment he starts thinking about the preparation required. Someday someone might put a gun on his face, and say, I will shoot you and he wont resist. He has thought that. One more reason why he is not committing suicide is that he wants to know how some important people in his life will react to it. In case he commits suicide successfully then he wont be able to know it. In case he fails then it will be painful or rather shameful to meet all those people whom he wanted to observe after he had died. Besides, the reaction of people will not be the same as it would be on a successful attempt of suicide. So this trap prevents him from even attempting it. The closest to suicide he can get is by not keeping in touch with most people who are important to him, by avoiding their company and by not giving any information about how he is doing. That is how he kills himself for them. And then after a long time he tells everything about himself to them to amuse himself. To see their stunned faces when they listen to his stories and experiences during his exile. That’s great entertainment to him, surprise that he gives to others. Yes even in a suicide-like life, he has some very involving experiences, experiences which stun his close ones. It makes them wonder, how less they know him, and that is what he enjoys. He enjoys that people don’t know him well.